Sunday, May 10, 2015

Goodbye Threesome

I admit it. For years, I’ve been having an affair.

A passionate love affair with not one, but two Jewish guys.

We typically meet up in a nearby makolet. Sometimes in the frozen section of the neighborhood supermarket, whichever is open later.

Typically, I take them home, but sometimes we do it outdoors in the park. Sometimes it’s with a friend.
We walk in the door and I immediately slip into something more comfortable. 

I take off the top, then I lick. My tongue touches the tip of the spoon until lusciousness fills my mouth. Heaven!

Creamy, marshmallow, Karamel Sutra heaven.

Oh, Ben and Jerry, you are what every woman needs. Those colors, those flavors, those chunks of thick fudge, cookie dough, toffee, brownie goodness!

A pint of heaven
Ben and Jerry, you make my worst day at work manageable. You make my cramps a distant memory, you make every breakup worth the pain. (Ok, not really.)

You cheer me up when I am down, relax me when I am stressed, and offer comfort when Hamas shoots missiles at us. While our boys went to war, I prayed and carried on my love affair with you, Ben and Jerry. Oh how I remember those hot summer days of Operation Protective Edge. The war wouldn’t have been bearable without you by my side!  

But you’re still there: on my side. And on my thighs, tummy, and (now) back rolls. 

And you just won’t get the hell off of me, no matter how hard I try. I wanted to eat Chubby Hubby, not become one! You are the cheapest therapy a woman can buy, but Ben and Jerry, we need to talk.
Oh so that's what I've been doing all this time!

See, Ben and Jerry, you love me too much. We have grown too much together, and we now tip the scales. Quite literally actually. 

The time has come to let you go. I need you both off of my body, even if it means surgically removing you.

So long to you both, my two fine lovers. It’s been a wonderful love affair, but it’s time to love myself now. Go support another woman in need of some luscious cookie-dough-Phish-Food goodness.
I will always have Vermont and the t-shirt to prove it.